Our hearts ache knowing that we can never hold him again, feel his curly hair, play with his little fingers and kiss his sweet soft face...but I have felt some comfort in the signs that seem like a message that Zack will always be with us.
1. My Sign: At Christmastime, we took a flight with Santa through SickKids. It was Jayden and Zack's first trip on an airplane and we were going to take off and fly north in search of Santa. We had to bring birth certificates for the kids for the airline check in. The hour before the trip, I ran upstairs to collect our birth certificates from the basket that is in my closet. Jayden's, Ty's, Paul's, mine....check. Zack's was no where to be found. Not between the pages of the passports, not inside other papers...even Paul looked in case I was just missing something. No luck. Had I left it at a doctor's office? Had it gotten lost in the paperwork at the hospital? I was upset that I had lost it and that I would have to get it issued again. We had photocopied them, so we took that and crossed our fingers. Thankfully, the airline didn't give us any issues and we had a great flight! When we got Zack's death certificate, the fact that we had lost his birth certificate bothered me again. It didn't seem right and I wasn't sure they would even issue another birth certificate for me to keep, if he had died. Last night, the boys and I were getting ready in my room for a dinner out with our neighbours. I went into my closet to get my top and something caught my eye on the top shelf....peaking out of the basket beside our passport basket, was a birth certificate (there is no mistaking that blue paper). I shivered and started to cry as I reached up for what I knew was the missing birth certificate. I had been in that closet all day and it wasn't there...how did it show up all of a sudden in such an obvious place? Thank you Zackie for knowing I needed to have this.
2. Ty's Sign: I was volunteering on Wednesday for Scientist in the School with Ty's class. It was a really nice day to spend together, we had lunch out and his friends were so sweet coming up to say they were sorry about Zack. We were focussing on solids, liquids and gases and did lots of experiments about freezing water with salt. The next experiment was about a solution....what did we make....BUBBLES!!!! For those of you who attended Zack's funeral, you know that we spoke about bubbles and then stood at his grave and waved bubbles up to heaven. As the sunlight caught each one, it created the most amazing sight. Our family continues to visit Zack's grave to blow bubbles to him. On this day, Ty got a sign from his brother. He will always be with him.
3. Nana's Sign: My amazing mom has been so sick since Zack died. Her appendix burst while Zack was at SickKids and she was only given a day pass to attend his funeral. While she is now at home, she is still very unwell and unable to really visit us. It's been a horrible month for her and she is only now getting some strength to go out for short trips. Today she got a treat and my dad took her to her hairdresser. While she talked to her longtime stylist about the last month, they both started to cry as my mom talked about losing Zack and not really being about to come to help at our house, Zack's Dream Room and other stories from our horrible few weeks. The other salon owner came from the backroom to hear just the end of the story. The three women were crying but then the owner who had joined them late, started humming the Elmo song!!! She said she had no idea why she just sang that because her kids hated that show!! Tears welled up in my mom's eyes, while she explained that she knew exactly why that song had come to her...it was Zack's message to his Nana.