It's been a while since I posted...not because I have nothing to say...but because I have too much.
Finding our new "normal" has been such a strange and numbing experience. While on one hand I love the time with my two boys...in fact, more than I've ever had, I also find the lack of "work" to be, for lack of a better word, boring. It's embarrassing to admit that I am not making the most of the time that I have with Ty and Jayden. I feel guilty for that. But I also know that adjusting to this new life, my new skin...doesn't feel comfortable.
In fact, the "normal" life that I had been wishing for, is now here and the grass is not as green as I had expected. In fact, it's not fulfilling in the same way at all. While I don't have the added stress, anxiety and even work of three kids and one with special needs, I also don't have those tremendous joys that life used to offer me. The life that I had sought after for over 3 years, is now the life I am living and it is not at all the life I was meant to live. I miss the life that I was given...the depth that my life had. While I love my family more than words, I can't describe the mourning that I feel for the loss of not only my Zackie, but for the richness he brought me every day. Jayden and Ty are fun, creative, loving and wonderful, but they don't look at me the way that their sweet little brother did. While I worry about their paths in life, feel concerns for the upcoming new year at school, I don't feel the same emotions that I used to feel everyday with Zack. Sometimes it would be concern or even fear and other days, it might have been pride beyond any explanation...whatever it was, it was so much more than the everyday motions of life. It was a way of living and feeling with my heart on my sleeve, living each moment as it came and feeling everything life had to offer.
I can sleep a full night these days, even lay in bed while the kids read or watch T.V. in the morning. I can tweet, read, even lay in the sun while my boys are independant and show me that they need me less and less with each passing minute.
My heart aches for those days of late night GTube feeds, filling medical syringes, opening our doors to women who meant so much to me, packing up supplies for a simple trip to the grocery store and even just the quietness of just Zack and I. While the house is now less busy, it seems louder and I find that I need to find those moments of quiet where I can just get in tune with how I feel. Now the emotions that I once had on my sleeve have been tucked deep within my pocket. Only if I have time or energy do I actually explore what lies beneath. It is often in my morning visits with Zack at his grave, when I really enjoy that quietness that allows me to feel...feel deeply as I once did with him.