Monday, June 11, 2012

Where I'm going....

I've been in a funk.
Trying to find where I'm going...

The last few weeks have been rough. Sad, confusing and even depressing.  With the completion of Zack's Dream Room, I'm left wondering.... what's next? 

I've been really spending a lot of time thinking about how this last year has completely changed my life in ways I never imagined.  The truth is that my life changed in so many ways after Zack died.  Not only did I lose my son, but I lost my job and even a huge part of my identity.
I loved this life
I had found that after 3 and a half years of being Zack's mom, I became really comfortable in the role of caregiver and advocate for my son with special needs.  I was happy to be in that community, connecting with other moms like me, writing about the struggles and victories and sharing our experiences.  I felt as if I was meant to be his mom for so many reasons.  I was living my destiny.

Fundraising for Zack's Dream Room was just what I needed to get out of bed just after Zack died.  I needed to feel close to him and keep myself as busy as life was with him in it.  I threw myself into the role of fundraiser, event planner, and promoter.  I absolutely loved connecting with people who helped make our dream come true.  I was inspired, everyday, by the generosity of people who barely knew me and had never met Zack.  Again, my life had become what it was meant to be.  Had it been a job that I could do and still help contribute financially- I could do it forever.  I felt as if fundraising was really what I was meant to do.  Speaking, going on T.V., writing for other sites, being in the paper....it was exciting and fun and I was so passionate about making this happen.  It was a wonderful distraction from my grief and allowed me to move on and still have Zack with me each day.  I was still advocating for him and I felt like my role had just changed, but it wasn't gone.  I was still Zack's mom everyday.

When the amazing "Being Elmo" event finished, I knew that there was no way we could create another event as special as that day.  It was the perfect day .  It also felt like the natural end of our journey. I knew I had created an event worthy of Zack.  It was such a special way to honour him, Elmo and share Kevin's message to him.  They were together again- Elmo and Zackie.

Proud to be Ty and Jayden's Mommy!
When we painted the room this past May, I again felt that it was time to stop the main fundraising and just do some small things to help make the rooms a special place for all kids; provide supplies for parents and help the nurses be more comfortable.  I felt as if I was done.  As if I had made Zack proud, made him happy, fulfilled my promises and set an example for my boys, Jayden and Ty.  They had been participants in the year leading to Zack's Dream Room and they were ready to just have their mommy back.  I realized that while I had needed to find a distraction by building the room during the last year, they just needed their mom. My focus is definitely on my boys and what they need from me.  While they were always my priority, I had been very distracted working on my grief in the best way I knew how.

I have more time in my week, on the days the boys are both in school, to get back into a role that "fits". Fits the woman I have become through all of this amazing experience. I'm only doing a few hours of work a week right now.  I'm ready to give more. 

I'm ready....really ready, to move forward (not move on) from the experience of building Zack's Dream Room. 

I'm looking for the next way to be inspired and to give back. 
I'm ready to share my experience with another charity or organization who believes in dreams and miracles like me.

I'm ready for where life will take me.

18 comments:

Laura Celsie said...

Beautifully written as usual Heather, I understand those feelings so well. You have done amazing things because of and for Zack, be very proud of yourself, I am, and I know he is.
xoxo

Sheri said...

You are an amazing mother and an amazing woman. I'm sure the right thing will present itself to you when the time is right.

Paula Schuck said...

Heather: this is beautiful. You are such an asset to any charity or group. Really a very passionate writer too. It comes from your heart every time you post. I love that.


Paula

jackstrawlane.com said...

You impress me so much with your heart and strength. I hope you find your next step. Whatever it is it's bound to be amazing.

Marisa Pedatella said...

So beautifully put. You are an amazing woman, mother, wife...and friend. He is shining down on you today and always. He is so proud that you are his mommy. I know what you mean by not knowing where to do go from here...but Zack will lead you.
xoxoxoxo
Marisa

TJZMommy said...

You Ladies are so amazing....I'm nervous, but ready for the next big thing. Once you have been a part of something so beautiful, it's hard to settle for less....I"m not going to settle!

Laura...let me know if SK is looking for a fab SM or blog writer? events team????

CallMeKarma said...

So well put, Heather. You are amazing - and I've been in awe of all you've made happen, while staying so focused on your family, this year. Happy to know you.
As for what's next...you've put it out there, so anything is possible! I hope you find the perfect fit, and am sure you will if you always pay attention to what's most important to you. Why not make a list of the top 3 criteria a new role/job must have to draw you in, and also what makes it a great fit with your skills? Keep the list nearby : )
xo

Maria said...

I remember we talked about this at WIBN! Happy that you're considering it :)

sammy g said...

heather, you truly are a super star! your passion, dedication and love will attract what is best for YOU! The uneasy feeling you are experience is exactly what will bring your next wonderful challenge and opportunity to reward you in a way you truly deserve.
xo sammyg*

TJZMommy said...

Karma, Great idea. I actually loved even putting my resume together...the skills I've learned over the last year, combined with my marketing and branding experience has given me a real boost of comfidence!

TJZMommy said...

Maria....I know...that WIBN conference started to move me to what I really love best. It might take me some time for the best fit, but it will be so worth it! thanks!

TJZMommy said...

Sammy G..thank you so much. This feels so right and feels like what I was meant to do.

Brandy @insanemamacita said...

Cannot wait to see the cause you tackle next! You are such an inspiration!

TJZMommy said...

Thank you Brandy!

TJZMommy said...

Thank you Brandy...I'm ready.

Lisa said...

Heather, my sweet beautiful friend... there are really no words to adequately describe what an incredible woman and mother you are. This work, the charity and fundraising and advocacy that you have been doing, suits you in so many ways. You are EXCELLENT at it and any organiziation smart (and quick) enough to snap you up will thank their lucky stars. xo L

Nikki Goldman-Stroh said...

I just found your blog and was blown away with your strength. You are truly an amazing woman and mother and an inspiration to all of us.

sarah said...

Heather,
I might need some advice - I am trying to fundraise for research for my son's rare condition.....
I might email you!
Sarah