Trying to find where I'm going...
The last few weeks have been rough. Sad, confusing and even depressing. With the completion of Zack's Dream Room, I'm left wondering.... what's next?
I've been really spending a lot of time thinking about how this last year has completely changed my life in ways I never imagined. The truth is that my life changed in so many ways after Zack died. Not only did I lose my son, but I lost my job and even a huge part of my identity.
|I loved this life|
Fundraising for Zack's Dream Room was just what I needed to get out of bed just after Zack died. I needed to feel close to him and keep myself as busy as life was with him in it. I threw myself into the role of fundraiser, event planner, and promoter. I absolutely loved connecting with people who helped make our dream come true. I was inspired, everyday, by the generosity of people who barely knew me and had never met Zack. Again, my life had become what it was meant to be. Had it been a job that I could do and still help contribute financially- I could do it forever. I felt as if fundraising was really what I was meant to do. Speaking, going on T.V., writing for other sites, being in the paper....it was exciting and fun and I was so passionate about making this happen. It was a wonderful distraction from my grief and allowed me to move on and still have Zack with me each day. I was still advocating for him and I felt like my role had just changed, but it wasn't gone. I was still Zack's mom everyday.
When the amazing "Being Elmo" event finished, I knew that there was no way we could create another event as special as that day. It was the perfect day . It also felt like the natural end of our journey. I knew I had created an event worthy of Zack. It was such a special way to honour him, Elmo and share Kevin's message to him. They were together again- Elmo and Zackie.
|Proud to be Ty and Jayden's Mommy!|
When we painted the room this past May, I again felt that it was time to stop the main fundraising and just do some small things to help make the rooms a special place for all kids; provide supplies for parents and help the nurses be more comfortable. I felt as if I was done. As if I had made Zack proud, made him happy, fulfilled my promises and set an example for my boys, Jayden and Ty. They had been participants in the year leading to Zack's Dream Room and they were ready to just have their mommy back. I realized that while I had needed to find a distraction by building the room during the last year, they just needed their mom. My focus is definitely on my boys and what they need from me. While they were always my priority, I had been very distracted working on my grief in the best way I knew how.
I have more time in my week, on the days the boys are both in school, to get back into a role that "fits". Fits the woman I have become through all of this amazing experience. I'm only doing a few hours of work a week right now. I'm ready to give more.
I'm ready....really ready, to move forward (not move on) from the experience of building Zack's Dream Room.
I'm looking for the next way to be inspired and to give back.
I'm ready to share my experience with another charity or organization who believes in dreams and miracles like me.
I'm ready for where life will take me.