The Impact of IVF on Grandparents

Where our miracle began

I can remember the phone call to my mom, telling her that she would finally become a "Nana"!  We both sobbed over the phone when I told her that our first round of IVF was successful and that her first grandchild was on the way.  Even my Dad (who wasn't home when I called my mom), cried with me while I told him that one day, he would have a grandchild to paddle with in the canoe.

It had been almost exactly a year from when we learned that we would not be able to conceive naturally.  We were devastated with this news, but also had a wonderful support system around us and a willingness to fight any way possible to make our dreams come true.   I forced myself not to think of the possibility that I might never know the feeling of a life growing inside me, never be pregnant, never give birth to our child. It felt as if my right as a woman had been taking away.

 

The emotions in our house were raw and strong.  While Paul and I found ways to deal with it alone, we were under enormous stress.  I needed someone for support and I turned to my mom.  I can remember the calls with my mom, as I cried with her over why this was happening when both she and I were so clearly destined to raise children?  It was one of the most wonderful bonds that we shared.  From teaching Sunday school and babysitting to being "kid magnets", my mom and I had always shared a love of children.  Just as I knew that I was meant to have a child of my own, so did my mom. I even think that there was a little bit of guilt that she might have been feeling.  Guilt that it had been so easy for her to get pregnant. 

 

When speaking to my mom about writing this post for Grandparent's Day, it was really the first time that we looked back on that difficult and emotional time in our lives.  While I knew the pain that I felt at that time, the joy of finally having our miracle son, seemed to wipe it away.  On the other hand, it seemed very easy for my mom to recall that heartache that she felt back then.  She told me that she vacillated between trying to be casual and "matter of fact" during my daily trips to the clinic, blood tests, shots and ultrasounds, while privately, she worried for me, her daughter, having to subject my body to such stress.  She wondered about the effects of the drugs on me and had tremendous pressure to stay positive and upbeat, but secretly wondered..."what if it doesn't work?"

My mom also worried about Paul and I as a couple and the toll it was taking on our relationship and our marriage.  We were so in love, so ready to have a family and both so suited to be parents.  She and my dad worried that even the financial strain could cause problems and wondered how they could help protect their daughter.  While my parents willingly offered to help us pay for the over $10000 worth of drugs, procedures and tests- one way in which they could lessen our burden- Paul and I were determined to do it on our own. It was our first sacrifice of being a parent...but I knew that my own parents were also willing to sacrifice to make this happen for us. 

My parents ached to be grandparents and to see the joy in our eyes as we welcomed in a new son or daughter- but this was new ground for us all.  How do we get through this new scientific and very clinical process?  We talked stats, procedures, anatomy and embryos over dinner and shared our most private and personal experiences.  The "romance" of creating a child was long gone- it had almost become a family affair!  My parents sat on pins and needles waiting for another call with either good or bad news- prepared for it all and willing to help us pick up the pieces or celebrate.

 

While my mom was there on a daily basis to give me advice, help me see the positive side and get me through a momentary breakdown, my dad found his own unique way to show his support.  He gave me a Wish Pearl pendant, right at the beginning of our IVF cycle.  It was his way of giving me a symbol of hope.  I know that he and my mom felt helpless during this time but needed desperately to feel that they were doing something.  He put the pendant around my neck and I wore that pearl during our IVF cycle and didn't take it off until we had reached the first trimester and even reached for it again when we tried IVF again four years later.  I knew that the pearl held all of my Dad's wishes for us and for his future grandchildren.

Now I can look back and see what our own personal struggle with infertility did to my parents.  As a parent now, I can only imagine the pain that they felt when they saw us confronted with a huge obstacle to the future we had planned.  I know that I feel any pain that my boys feel and I would literally do anything possible to take that pain away. 
 

I can't even imagine my life without our sons or without having been pregnant at all.  I also can't imagine my parents never being grandparents.  There has never been a Nana and Poppa who love their grandsons more or who take the time, not only to know each of them so well but also spend special time with them.

This weekend is Grandparent's Day and I can't help but look back on the way in which my parents became grandparents. While it was certainly not traditional, it was filled with love, hope and miracles.

 

Meeting their first "miracle"

 

My sweet nephew, Nana, Poppa and my 3 IVF miracles.

Please follow @OHIP4IVF on Twiter or the hashtag #OHIP4IVF to support governement funding for IVF.  I support helping other couples become parents, without the financial burden that comes with infertility.
 

*Disclosure: I am honoured to share our story of IVF as a valued and compensated member of the Conceivable Dreams blog team.